Shooting Straight: Guns, Gays, God, and George Clooney Read online

  He’s always been Dad to me. And, like my mother, he has selflessly devoted his life to working ridiculously hard so his large family can prosper.

  He’s now sixty-nine, and this is the first time in his life he’s been seriously ill. And I’m five thousand miles away in New York, on my way to a bloody business meeting.

  Every part of me is screaming, ‘Go to the airport, try and get an earlier flight.’ But at the same time, I know I’m flying anyway in five hours, and I also know that Mum’s right – Dad would want me to go to this meeting.

  We arrived at NBC and were directed up to Jeff Zucker’s palatial office.

  John could tell I was in a strange place emotionally.

  ‘You sure you want to do this?’

  ‘I’ll be fine in there, don’t worry,’ I replied.

  The meeting began with Zucker asking a perfectly reasonable question: ‘Give me one good reason why I should let one of my prime-time stars work for a rival network, and in particular one that we’ve just overtaken in the ratings.’

  MSNBC has indeed recently surpassed CNN to become number two in cable news.

  To which I argued, with what I thought was reasonable logic, that it could only enhance my credibility as a talent show judge if I was hosting a nightly news show at CNN.

  The meeting ended half an hour later with Zucker shaking my hand and saying he would let me go to CNN.

  But only on the condition I continued to do America’s Got Talent as well. And only after he’d also negotiated a hefty price tag for my services.

  (I was later told by an NBC executive that I was traded for the rights to buy seven seasons of Law and Order, something NBC had been trying to wrestle off Turner Broadcasting – CNN’s parent company – for some time.)

  ‘Thank you,’ I said as I left.

  ‘I’m not in the business of preventing people from living their dreams,’ he said, smiling.

  John and I walked back outside. What should have been a moment of wild celebration was replaced instead with two relieved grins and a firm handshake.

  ‘Great meeting,’ said John. ‘Now go see your dad.’

  I called Mum again, and she said he was sleeping and comfortable.

  ‘I land at 6.30 a.m.,’ I said, ‘and I’ll go straight from Heathrow to the hospital.’

  I got to JFK, boarded the plane, drank a large whisky, took a sleeping pill, and looked out of the window – my head still swirling.

  WEDNESDAY, 16 JUNE 2010

  Got to the hospital around 9 a.m. and went to find Dad.

  He looks very frail and exhausted. His condition deteriorated slightly overnight.

  He’s lost the use of his right arm and is slurring his words. But the doctors are still confident he’ll make a good recovery if he does all the rehab they’ve laid down for him.

  I can tell it’s been a terrifying experience, and I know he’ll be worrying himself sick about his one-man, successful food distribution business.

  ‘How did your meeting go?’ he asked.

  I was amazed he even remembered.

  ‘It was good. They’re going to let me do the CNN job.’

  ‘Good, good.’

  Dad tried to smile, but I told him not to waste energy talking about work stuff.

  ‘Just focus on getting better.’

  He nodded. Dad’s a very strong guy, physically and mentally. He’ll come through this. I’ve got no doubt about that.

  But I’m getting married in two weeks, and I don’t think there’s any chance of him attending the wedding now.

  THURSDAY, 17 JUNE 2010

  Newspapers on both sides of the Atlantic have been running rumours about me joining CNN.

  Toby Young, author of a very funny book, The Sound of No Hands Clapping, about his own failed exploits as a screenwriter in Hollywood, emailed: ‘In case you haven’t heard this already, I pass on Larry King’s own formula for success on television [originally imparted by him to Tucker Carlson]: “The trick is to care, but not too much. Give a shit – but not really.”’

  THURSDAY, 24 JUNE 2010

  Celia and I were married today.

  We’ve been together for four and a half years.

  I knew she was the one for me when I made a speech at a big magazine dinner in London soon after we first met. I tanked spectacularly and saw that she was the only one in the room laughing at my terrible jokes.

  ‘I didn’t find you funny,’ she explained afterwards. ‘I found the fact you were being booed funny.’

  My youngest brother Rupert was my best man, and we shared a room together last night.

  ‘Just wake me up on time, and don’t forget the rings,’ I commanded.

  I didn’t get to sleep until 2 a.m.

  At 3 a.m., Rupert’s mobile exploded into full, noisy alarm mode.

  ‘Damn, must have set it to the wrong time,’ he mumbled. ‘Sorry.’

  I didn’t get back to sleep.

  But hey, it was a beautiful, hot day, and I was marrying a beautiful, hot woman.

  And at least he remembered the rings.

  We tried everything in our power to keep it all a complete secret – choosing a tiny chapel in the middle of a large remote field in the Oxfordshire countryside, only inviting fifty-six of our closest friends and family, and employing a small team of Jeremy’s former army colleagues, all recently retired from covert ops in the army, to patrol the perimeter.

  He himself sadly couldn’t make it as he’s still on active service in Afghanistan with his Regiment, The Royal Welsh.

  At 12.45 p.m., I was standing outside the chapel with the Vicar (he was a Church of England minister, but permitted us to have a Catholic blessing) and a helicopter buzzed overhead.

  When it came around for the third time, I laughed.

  ‘Look up and wave, Reverend,’ I said.

  ‘Oh? Why?’

  ‘Because you’re probably live on American TV right now …’

  He looked horrified, and instantly began to apologise for something that obviously had nothing to do with him.

  But I enjoyed the irony: the former tabloid editor utterly incapable of keeping even his own wedding from the intrusive glare of the media lens.

  After a beautiful service, we drove the mile to a charming local village pub for the reception, and were met in almost every single hedgerow along the route by photographers leaping out of bushes and trees.

  I even recognised one of them as a guy I used to employ in my tabloid days.

  ‘For old times’ sake, Piers?’ he yelled.

  After that, they pretty much left us alone, which was good of them.

  I probably wouldn’t have been so generous in my ‘old times’.

  There were many special moments during a very special day.

  Not least was having the boys – Spencer, sixteen, Stanley, thirteen, and Bertie, ten – as my ushers. Their mother, Marion, and I were finally divorced last year, though we actually separated nearly a decade ago. Despite all that upheaval, they’ve remained my best friends.

  Dad made it, miraculously. His right arm was in a sling, and he was barely able to walk or speak properly, but he made it. Pretty extraordinary given the state he was in twelve days ago.

  SUNDAY, 27 JUNE 2010

  We’ve been on our honeymoon for three days now, and I’ve spent much of it on the phone with John, who’s now trying to close the very complicated contractual negotiations.

  Celia’s been remarkably patient – she knows what a big deal this CNN thing is – but even her reservoirs of tolerance burst this afternoon.

  ‘Tell Celia I said hi,’ said John, at the end of our fourth call of the day.

  ‘John says hi,’ I repeated.

  ‘I’d rather he said goodbye,’ she replied.

  ‘John, only call again if you have definitive news,’ I pleaded, ‘or I’ll be divorced before I start at CNN.’

  TUESDAY, 29 JUNE 2010

  John called at 4 p.m.

  ‘Larry’s quit.’
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  I raced to my laptop to Google the news. And it was true.

  ‘I talked to the guys here at CNN and I told them I would like to end Larry King Live this fall,’ Larry wrote on his blog. ‘And CNN has graciously accepted, giving me more time for my wife and I to get to the kids’ Little League games.’

  He continued: ‘I’ll still be a part of the CNN family, hosting several Larry King specials on major national and international subjects. With this chapter closing, I’m looking forward to the future and what my next chapter will bring, but for now it’s time to hang up my nightly suspenders.’

  Asked in a subsequent interview to explain the secret of his success, he said: ‘I left my ego at the door. I never learned a thing while I was talking. That would be my motto.’

  As for whom he’d like to replace him, Larry – who had obviously heard all the rumours about me, and almost certainly knew I’d now been offered his job – replied, ‘If it was up to me, Ryan Seacrest.’

  There can be only one reason that Larry’s put out this announcement – CNN must have told him that I’m coming in. And that means their negotiations with NBC must be near to conclusion.

  But I’ve learned to never take anything for granted in the American TV business.

  Until the ink is on that contract, there will be considerable reason for uncertainty. And even then, I’d want it tested by forensic scientists. I emailed John. ‘If you were a betting man, would you say this means I’ve got the gig?’

  He replied: ‘Let me tell you a story about betting. President Calvin Coolidge, a man of few words, was at a Washington, D.C. party. Five prominent businessmen approached a rather buxom young lady and bet her that she couldn’t get the president to say more than two words.

  ‘She approached him and said, “Mr President, those men have bet me twenty dollars that I can’t get you to say more than two words.” Coolidge stared at her breasts, then looked up, smiled and said: “You lose.”’

  I had no idea what this meant with regard to my chances of replacing Larry King, but it did make me laugh.

  TUESDAY, 6 JULY 2010

  NBC asked me to interview Susan Boyle for their Today Show, as we’re both in London.

  I was a judge on Britain’s Got Talent, alongside Simon Cowell, when we discovered Susan during a long, grimly unproductive audition day in Glasgow, last winter.

  The forty-seven-year-old walked out to a cacophony of sneers and jeers, and mocking eye rolls from us prejudging fools on the panel – before raising the roof with a sensational rendition of ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ from Les Misérables.

  Since then, she’s sold ten million albums – beating Lady Gaga and Rihanna in the last year.

  Towards the end of the interview, I asked her if I could audition for a competition she’s running to promote her album.

  Entrants just have to record themselves singing ‘Silent Night’.

  ‘Go on then,’ she urged, ‘let’s hear yer.’

  I began to slowly murder the great festive hymn when, after just a few seconds, Susan leaped out of her chair and began frantically shouting, ‘Buzz! Buzz!’ – mimicking the sound of the talent show judges’ buzzers.

  I tried again, but this time she shrieked it even louder.

  ‘Honestly,’ I said, ‘after all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?’

  ‘Piers, you cannae sing,’ she exclaimed.

  MONDAY, 26 JULY 2010

  One of my favourite speeches in history is Theodore Roosevelt’s address at the Sorbonne in Paris in 1910, which included this passage:

  It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

  Roosevelt made that speech on 23 April 1910.

  I had my first meeting with CNN on 23 April 2010.

  When I told him, John said, ‘That’s the good news. The not so good news is that Richard Nixon then quoted it in his resignation speech.’

  FRIDAY, 30 JULY 2010

  The news is out.

  Jeff Gaspin, NBC’s entertainment chairman – and Zucker’s right-hand man – was asked at the Television Critics Association summer press day this afternoon if NBC would be sharing me with CNN.

  ‘Yes,’ was his one-word answer.

  That’s the first on-the-record confirmation from any of the parties involved.

  MONDAY, 9 AUGUST 2010

  ‘You’re going to need a good personal publicist,’ John announced a week ago.

  I’ve never had one before, preferring to use the PR departments on whatever shows I work on. And, of course, relying on my own experience in the media.

  But John’s right: this CNN gig is going to be a whole new ball game.

  We’ve talked to a few heavyweights in the business, but I’m concerned that they won’t make me their priority.

  John, who agrees, suggested a young woman called Meghan McPartland.

  She works for Rogers and Cowan, whose offices are in his building.

  We met for a drink last night, and I instantly liked her.

  She’s smart, quick and hungry.

  ‘It’s bad news,’ I told her today. ‘You’re hired.’

  TUESDAY, 24 AUGUST 2010

  Celia’s gone to Saint-Tropez to join her family on an annual trip they make there every August.

  Yesterday, she was ‘flashed’ by a revolting pervert as she walked down to our favourite little beach. He was fully naked, and performing what British tabloids like to cryptically refer to as ‘a sex act’ on himself.

  I told her she had to report it to the police, but she was reluctant.

  ‘Knowing French gendarmes, they’ll just shrug and say, “But you were in ze bikini, yes?”’

  Today, Celia trudged down to the local police station, then rang me afterwards.

  ‘It went exactly how I imagined,’ she said.

  ‘What? They didn’t actually say it was your fault for wearing a bikini?’

  ‘No, but the policeman listened to me carefully, then put on a quizzical Hercule Poirot face and asked: “Was it a high tide?”’

  FRIDAY, 27 AUGUST 2010

  John called.

  ‘We’re closed.’

  After weeks of feverish negotiations, my small army of representatives, led by the indomitable Ferret (my nickname for him), have reached provisional agreement on all outstanding issues with CNN.

  We still have to sign an actual contract, but for all intents and purposes, I’m replacing Larry King.

  Jim Walton, CNN’s worldwide president, emailed: ‘I hear we have a deal! How exciting.’

  My mind went back to Miami Beach on a warm January day in 1994.

  I was a twenty-eight-year-old show-business columnist for Rupert Murdoch’s best-selling UK tabloid, The Sun, and he’d flown me to Florida for reasons that hadn’t been fully explained.

  For two hours, we walked barefoot up and down the beach, talking about politics, newspapers, life and the universe.

  A few hours later, he appointed me editor of the News of the World, his hugely popular, globally infamous Sunday tabloid.

  I remember calling Mum that night and thinking that nothing I ever do again in my career would rival this moment for sheer excitement. An excitement she eventually shared, once she’d got over the instinctive shock of her halo-clad little boy running the most scandalous newspaper in the world. (Mum, my biggest supporter, always sees the positive in whatever scraps I g
et myself into. If I told her I’d murdered ten people, she’d say: ‘Well, at least it wasn’t eleven.’)

  Tonight I rang her again to break the news.

  It felt even more exciting than that night in 1994 and, this time, she didn’t have to pretend to be excited.

  CNN is an altogether more palatable career prospect for a mother to digest than News of the World.

  MONDAY, 30 AUGUST 2010

  John called. ‘Come down to [Beverly Hills restaurant] Cut at 10 p.m., and bring a pen.’

  When he arrived, he said: ‘I’ve just had dinner with the doctors who saved my life. Pretty incredible.’

  A year ago, John was lying on a bed at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. He’d suffered a blood clot, complicated by a staph infection, and it had nearly cost him his life. For three months, he drifted in and out of consciousness, those same doctors repeatedly fearing he wouldn’t make it.

  But make it he did, only to discover that in his absence, Hollywood super-agent Ari Emanuel’s Endeavor company had merged with the William Morris Agency – the firm John had worked at for twenty-five years.

  John was the only WMA board member to vote against the planned merger, before he fell sick and left the company in acrimonious circumstances soon after returning to work.

  ‘Where are you going?’ I asked him.

  ‘No idea.’

  ‘OK, then this is our Jerry Maguire moment,’ I laughed, ‘and I’m your Rod Tidwell.’

  I quit WMA that day.

  But almost every one of his fifty or so remaining clients chose to stay at the newly formed William Morris Endeavor company, rather than go with him like I did.

  Among them, John’s client for the past ten years – Larry King.

  We drank wine slowly for a couple of hours until finally, at midnight, the hotel’s fax machine whirred with a final CNN contract, signed by Jim Walton.

  I took a pen and countersigned it.

  Then I shook John’s hand.

  ‘A year ago, I took a leap of faith with you. Tonight you repaid me. Thank you. More important, you got to thank the guys who saved your life. And close a deal that fucks all those wankers who wanted you dead.’

  He laughed.

  ‘It’s a good night for guys who have lived, learned and lost, and come back from the brink to achieve what was thought impossible. Thank YOU.’